I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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