You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
