My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
