I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
