oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
