My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
