He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
