So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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