I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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