someone threw a dead crab at me
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
pray to the hookup gods
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
