the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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