It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
