I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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