My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
