if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just high enough for therapy.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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