My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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