Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
