I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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