Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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