Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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