Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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