I'm lost and stupid without you.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
