Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Princesses don't give blow jobs
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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