Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
