I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
