im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I wish there were birth control emojis
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
