I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
