um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
