Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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