I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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