Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
