Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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