I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Randomize
