can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
BRING THE BAGELS
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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