Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
