I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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