he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
