So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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