Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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