i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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