My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
