We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
