I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
