Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Everything about him screamed your future.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
