awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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