I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
