Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
