After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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