I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
