that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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