who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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