Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Randomize
