oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
