Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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