If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
