she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize