oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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