What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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