Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
