So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
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