I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
