How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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