Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
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