I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
